Today's blog is inspired by my friend Gemini (I have elected to change the names of my friends until I get their permission to use their names in the blog - I will start out using American Gladiator names until I run out, who knows where we might go from there), and has everything to do with the idea of the Thank You Card. Allow me to begin by restating the hatred that I have for them, but before we get further into that, let me give a little history of the Thank You Card:
It seems that the first culture to actually send cards to each other to express greetings and thanks were the Chinese, and that started all the way back in...well I don't have an actual date (which may end up being a theme to the blog), but it was, like, a long freaking time ago. This was followed by the Egyptians and their crazy Thank You Papyrus Scrolls. Eventually, by the 1400s, everyone in Europe was sending some type of card, wood carving, or hoops & yoyo e-Card. Fortunately, it was quite expensive to send these cards back then, postage being what it was, so if you were getting married or having a bar-mitzvah, you probably couldn't afford to send cards to everyone that sent you a gift. Then some jackasses named Marcus Ward & Co. (I don't know how arrogant that this Marcus Ward guy was, but imagine only letting your friends be referred to as "& Co." I can assure you that I would never refer to my friends as something as demeaning and degrading as "& Co." Isn't that right "& Associates?") came along and started mass producing the damn things. Shortly thereafter, there came about an 18 year old with a dream: Joyce C. Hall. Interestingly enough, Joyce is not a woman, but is still a little bitch, for reasons with which I shall now regale you. Joyce C. Hall is the visionary who started Hallmark and ended any hope any of us have to spend the first 6 weeks of marriage having sex. Instead, we now have to spend every waking minute speeding up our carpal-tunnel onset while we write meaningless drivel to the people who came to our wedding.
So there you have a brief history of the Thank You Card. But why should we hate such a little piece of paper you ask? Well I will tell you...simply put, when someone gives a gift to someone else, it takes away from the idea of a "gift" if you expect them to give you something back in return. Tell me, if I came to your party and I brought with me a brand new George Foreman Grill for a house warming gift, would it be fair of me to only give it to you with a catch; and that caveat would of course be that you would then have to take time out of your day to write a hand-written note of thanks to me (forget the fact that you have already shown me hospitality by inviting me to your house, feeding me delicious food, drinking me thirst-quenching drinks, and, depending on the situation, maybe given me a little touch), then you would have to affix an ever-increasing in cost stamp, then you would have to mail it to me (which will no doubt cause mail prices to increase further down the road). And why? Because this Ancient Chinese guy said so?! No, I don't think so.
But alas, society wills it so. I will no doubt have to endure the continuing terror that is the Thank You Note. But that is ok, because I have come up with the perfect solution. When the time comes for me to get married (and I am always looking, just drop me a line...wink, wink), I will include in my invitations the following:
It truly is the perfect solution. I figure, if it is good enough for my dentist, it is good enough for me.
Here Endeth the Lesson.
