Lesson the Second: The Snooze Button and its Eerie Similarities to the 5 Stages of Grief

This idea struck me a while ago, but I had forgotten about it until just recently (this morning actually). I don't think there are going to be any American Gladiator references in this one, but it will still be worth the read.

It seems that it was a mere 51 years ago that the snooze button was unleashed unto the world. The introduction of the General Electric-Telechron Snooz-Alarm (model #7H241) brought with it the "control bar." Ah...the control bar, the first incarnation of the snooze button. It was marketed as follows:

The new General Electric-Telechron Snooz-Alarm is the world's most humane alarm clock. When the alarm sounds you just tap the control bar. The Snooz-Alarm will be silent and lets you sleep--but only for a few minutes. Then the alarm will sound again. Want to sleep a few minutes more? Tap the control bar again. After several minutes the Snooz-Alarm is heard from again --automatically!

Snooz-Alarm is electric. Like all General Electric-Telechron alarms, it will wake you for sure because it:

1. Sounds for 45 minutes unless shut off
2. Can't run down during the night
3. Never needs winding
4. Stays on time to the minute

A device that was supposed to give you "control" of when you decided to wake up. This must have been revolutionary. I can imagine that there was talk that it would be the precursor to world peace. Surely the Cold War would be over before it could even get a chance to start with this incredible invention. But of course, they forgot about the rule of unintended consequences; not only did the Cold War fester and bubble calmly below the surface in the wake of this insipid device, but we were brought to the brink of nuclear war just 6 years later after JFK pressed the snooze button one too many times and woke up groggy and grouchy!!

Now I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know that I am compelled, almost by a force that is outside of my control, to hit that cursed button at least twice (this week I would've performed the Hallelujah Chorus using only a plastic kazoo from my dentist if I could have gotten up with only two snoozes). It is truly the bane of my existence (more so than even the dreaded Thank You Note!!).

But there is something interesting about what happens to you emotionally on a morning that you press the snooze button 4 times before waking up. You are run through a gamut of emotion that can only be accurately described as the Kübler-Ross Model for the 5 Stages of Grief. Allow me to explain a little about this Kübler-Ross Model. Originally introduced in 1969 in her book On Death and Dying (13 years after the dreaded "control button"), they describe the process that people go through when experiencing a tragic loss (their death or someone else's). Or in this case, the process that people go through when trying to escape the perilous clutches of the Snooze Button!!

Stage 1 - Denial
Kübler-Ross describes this as the initial stage of grief. This is of course our initial refusal to accept that something tragic has happened, hence the rejection. In the morning, this is experienced for me at 6:24am. The alarm sounds the melodic tones of a midi version of Vivaldi's Spring, and the first thing that goes through my mind is:
"NO!!! It's not time to wake up!! I just went to bed!! That can't be right!!"
And what do I do? I press the snooze button.

Stage 2 - Anger
The second stage of grief. This is when you begin to lash out at the fact that this is happening or has happened to you. This occurs for me at 6:33am. The alarm again sounds Vivaldi's Spring, and I think to myself:
"Rassifrassin flea-bitten varmint!! When I say WHOA, I mean WHOA!!"
And what do I do? I press the snooze button.

Stage 3 - Bargaining
The third stage of grief. Now we recognize that something is going to happen, but we really would like for it to occur on our terms, so we do what we can to tip the scales and gain something out of it. For me, this happens at 6:42am. Once more, I am awakened by the wonderful sounds of Vivaldi's Spring, and I think, as I lurch out of bed towards the alarm clock:
"Just one more snooze. Let me get one more snooze and I will get up and get going. 9 more minutes of precious sleep and my day will be better."
And what do I do? I press the snooze button.

Stage 4 - Depression
The fourth stage of grief is one that can cause the most trouble for me. It is during this stage that I contemplate not going to work at all. I figure, it is too late for me to get up at this point anyway, why get up at all? Mind you that it is only 6:51 when this happens and I don't have to leave to go to work until 7:30, but grief doesn't always make sense. Sometimes, when the depression gets too great, I will roll out of bed and turn off Vivaldi's Spring and instead of plopping right back down into sleep I will call work and let them know that I am running slightly late and will probably be in around 9:15am. Like in grief, this stage can last the longest in Snooze because you will go back to sleep because you are depressed.
And in order for this to happen, what do I do? I press the snooze button (6 times for 54 minutes of sleep).

Stage 5 - Acceptance
The final stage of grief. The stage that you come to when you realize that if you don't get out of bed in the next minute or so, you are going to have to go to work stinky because you won't have time to take a shower. This stage is oftentimes accompanied by a prolonged sigh that indicates the epiphanic moment you experience when you have admitted defeat to the morning. There is one good thing about this stage above all others: No more freaking Vivaldi's Spring!!

Here Endeth the Lesson